Intensity

My therapist (whom I’m no longer seeing) said she thought it felt like I was looking for something and she may have been right.  Remember Broken?  It took a little while to get over him and I realized later that it was the intensity I was craving and not necessarily him.  Being with him wasn’t even the full experience; I mean he was very inexperienced, had a very small dick, and wanted things I wouldn’t give him, yet at the same time the rest of the encounter was unexpectedly intense and amazing.  I just wanted to be with as many guys as possible hoping for the 100% experience.

I think I found it this week.

I’ll call him Puerto Rico.  Oh my.  We met online and had been texting for about a month with several missed attempts at actually meeting.  He’s 21 and the pics he sent were completely hot.  I saw everything.  The more we texted, the more I could actually get goose bumps just thinking about what it would be like to meet him.  So keep in mind there were no deep conversations happening; it was all just super-hot discussion about what we wanted to do and how badly we wanted to do it.  I would literally fall asleep many nights to him saying “goodnight baby”.  Mmmm. 

Forgetting his age and possible lack of confidence, I finally took control of the situation and texted him the other day telling him that I wanted him – today – and could he come over?  He texted me back not 5 minutes later asking what time.  Bingo!  Now I wasn’t going to believe it until he was actually in my place, but he finally arrived and after a few awkward moments of a forced conversation, it was on.  First of all, kissing him was amazing.  We could not keep our hands off of each other.  We were completely into each other in every way; he wasn’t selfish, he took control, lots and lots of kissing and biting. 

It’s hard to describe to you exactly what is the “100% experience” other than to say that every single thing he did was right.  Some guys are great kissers but they have small dicks.  Some guys have big dicks but are horrible kissers.  Sometimes there is attraction but absolutely no chemistry.  This kind of thing cannot be manufactured; it just happens. 

I am not sure if I will see Puerto Rico again but I certainly hope so and believe that is what we both agreed upon in our earlier emails.  Friends with benefits as they say, though I’m more interested in the benefits.  I’m sure there’s another blog post about him in my future.

I was with someone else the very next night after Puerto Rico.  He was tall, skinny, normal-looking, and had a big dick.  What could go wrong?  Well there was no chemistry and he was a bad kisser!  On the plus side, he loves doing oral sex on women AND he fucked me for a very long time just how I like it.  So what’s a girl to do?  Accept something that’s only 75% of what you want or 100%?  What if I can’t find anyone else who meets my 100% criteria?  I’d rather have something than nothing. 

Am I getting tired of the chase?  That’s part of the thrill!  My mood fluctuates based on how many people are emailing or texting me.  I placed another craigslist ad last weekend simply for the thrill of getting tons of emails from guys saying how much they wanted to fuck me.  (I’ve met some of those already)  Sometimes the chase is more fun than actually meeting these guys; once you meet them the thrill is gone.  I may have to write more about how most guys, even when they agree that they’re looking for an ongoing situation, never contact you again. 

I am not stopping, but my criteria might drastically change.  I no longer wish to send endless emails to people with no hope of ever meeting.  I’m not sending certain types of pics because I’m not your supplier of free porn.  I’m not interested in most long-distance email relationships, though I will keep a couple of them around.

The Gangsta

The Gangsta gets his own blog post for a few reasons.   He was one of the first guys to message me on the dating website after I set up my profile.  He's 21 and said he wanted an older woman to teach him stuff.  Ok.  I can do that.  Secondly, he is the cutest, most pain-in-the-ass boy I haven't even officially had actual sex with yet.

The story begins with the usual few messages on the dating website until we very quickly switched to texting.  Almost every single night he would text me and we'd have long involved conversations about what we wanted to do or not do.  He immediately had me laughing to myself at his audacity to just blurt out certain things or offer me advice that I'd obviously not need from a 21 year old.  (just get on birth control!) All of our conversations were alternately hot, interesting, adorable, or flat-out entertaining.  We both agreed that we had to meet soon.

Now the thing is, when dealing with guys that young, you are sometimes confronted with things like "I don't have a car", "I don't have bus money this week", or "I can only meet you at 5:30 in the morning"....adorable!  Several times he texted me in the wee morning hours ordering me to call in sick so we could fuck all day.  Adorable!  Audacious!  Ridiculous!  (no I never called in sick to meet this guy)

One day he agreed to meet me on a Sunday and "fuck me all day", something he'd been promising for quite some time but still hasn't come through.  I said it might be fun if we drank or at least did a couple of shots so I asked what he'd like to drink. 

Peach Ciroc.

Really?  Now kids, keep in mind that Ciroc is P-Diddy's brand of vodka.  This is why he earned the nickname "The Gangsta" because all at once, he thought he was some kind of hip-hop star wannabe while at the same time favoring a drink that is very much NOT gangsta!  So I bought him a bottle of Peach Ciroc.

He never showed up.  That bottle is looooong gone, having been shared with another guy who shall have his own chapter much later in the program.

Now, The Gangsta also had some fantasy about meeting me in the woods and taking a walk on some kind of trail late late at night.  I told him no, I'm a grown woman and I have my own place so there's no need to fuck in the woods like a teenager!  I actually finally gave in and agreed to this a couple of times, but it never happened for one reason or another.  I went back and forth about whether or not I'd meet him like this and he continued to refuse to simply take the bus to my place.

Argh!!!

Yet I still kept on with this kid for some reason...he had some kind of hold over me.

Finally, one day I agreed to meet him as we both agreed it was time.  Keep in mind we'd been communicating for about a month at this point and it was getting pretty ridiculous.  So one evening he texted me an intersection north of downtown.  I took a cab there around 11pm and found myself deposited in a very dark corner park.  He was nowhere to be seen.  I texted him and he assured me he was on his way. 

Finally I saw him walking towards me in the darkness...he walked up and kissed me.  
After I let him know I didn't appreciate waiting for him alone in a dark park, we walked around and found a relatively secluded spot.  There was groping, his pants came down a little bit, my top got pulled down...this was as close as he was gonna get to his fuck-you-in-the-woods fantasy, without the fucking.

We ended up on the swings where we talked for quite a while.  Nice kid, actually, but he was too busy trying to live up to some playa image he had of himself. 

When it was time to go, I called a cab but they would not pick me up at an intersection; I needed to be at an actual address.  The Gansta walked me to a nearby store where he waited with me for a few minutes and then walked off to meet his friends, leaving me there!  1:00am in a store parking lot!  By myself!

Since that night, he has texted me on and off, usually in the wee morning hours, but other times too.  Recently he texted me late one night saying he was super drunk and would I call him?  Well I was drunk too so I did call and we talked for quite a while.  

He still has not found the time to make it to my house, but I feel like it'll happen eventually.  I have no idea how good it'll be, but at this point I don't care; I just want it to happen.  

 

Broken

You know, people - especially women - ask me all the time how I can just have sex with people I don't have feelings for.  Don't I have to "like" them before I do it?  Don't I start to "like" them after we do it?  How can I be like a guy and separate sex and love?

This is a silly question to me.  It's so simple but at the same time there's so much more to it. 

The simple explanation:  yes, I can have sex purely for fun and I don't have to be in love.  My question is, why can't everyone?  Why can't you allow yourselves that pleasure?

The complex explanation:  I like everyone I have sex with.  I don't want a relationship with them, but every one of them (ok, except for a few in the beginning) has qualities that I like.  Sometimes it's as simple as how completely fucking hot they are.  Sometimes they're really funny, sweet, vulnerable, eager, gentle, rough, intense, dirty, uninhibited, nice, silly...I could go on.  I can separate romantic feelings from sex but at the same time I don't think you really have to in order to enjoy a lot of sex with a lot of different people. 

I enjoy the total experience.  I love the pursuit and then the initial contact.  I love the process of exchanging email addresses and how sometimes we graduate to texting.  With some of them, there was intense emailing for up to a week or more before we even met!  More often recently I've been texting most of them.  The dynamic with each one is completely different and it's fun figuring out what makes each of them tick, what gets them off.  Some ask how my day went, some just want to know if I'm naked or not. 

Most leave when we're done, but some have stayed and talked or watched t.v. or compared Facebook pages.  Sometimes it's quick and dirty and sometimes it's not.  I like it all. 

Which brings me to Broken.  We met online on the dating website and somehow there seemed to be an immediate connection.  It was the most bizarre thing because he was only 22 and we made it immediately clear we were both looking for casual sex, but agreed it's better when there's some kind of connection.

Let me just stop for a minute because this confused even my therapist.  Secretgrrrl, you say you don't want a relationship but then you keep talking about this connection business.  Isn't that the same thing?  No it is not.  It's hard to define a connection but I can tell you I've met people with whom I've had the most intense connections but that only lasted for a short time. 

So back to my experience with Broken.  We messaged and it quickly became texting almost non-stop for two days except for sleeping.  Even then we were up pretty late.  We discussed all the things we wanted to do.  We discussed life, relationships, love, everything. 

Then it got weird.  Late on the second night of texting, he decided to reveal to me his particular kink.  Now in the interest of anonymity, I'm  not going into specifics but I'll just say that it was a little too extreme for me.  It was something you should screen for immediately upon meeting someone if you are indeed interested in pursuing this activity with them.  He chose to wait.  Immediately my heart sank.  (there I go using romantic terms again just to confuse you!)  Would he still want to meet me?  Would I be able to satisfy him without doing those things?  Why did I care so much about this?  Why didn't I just abandon ship? 

After all of that talk, I still really wanted to meet him and told him this.  He agreed and came to my place that following night.  I met him outside and we immediately started kissing.  Whoa.  Definitely something there, even if it was just intense physical attraction.  We finally made it upstairs and we just could not stop kissing!  I couldn't keep my hands off of him!  So the sex was okay, size was not impressive or even very satisfying, but there was something about this guy that drove me absolutely crazy and I felt it from him too.

So after he left and was back home, I texted him saying that I had a really good time and wanted to see him again very soon.  He enthusiastically agreed, punctuating this with exclamations after every sentence.  He said he would come over after work the following day and would text me tomorrow, adding that it was going to be hard to concentrate at work the next day.  We both agreed that waiting till then would be difficult and we couldn't stop thinking about each other. 

Great...I felt good.

Broken never texted and never came over.  I never heard from him again. 

Somehow I felt like this was some failure on my part and it took me a week or two to get over it completely.  I missed him but at the same time knew he wasn't even the best lover.  Eventually I realized that I didn't miss him, I missed that feeling of intensity that we had. 

I wish I had something to say about this, some lesson to be learned, something I could do better next time, but I really don't.  I don't regret a single moment of my 3 day "relationship" with Broken.

The Dom

Lazy Sunday afternoon.  I'm doing nothing in particular but browsing on the dating web site for someone interesting, when I came across a really cute 23 year old guy.  He explained in his profile that he was a "dom" but no other description of said activities or preferences.  In his only pic, he was wearing sunglasses that barely covered up his baby face.  A friend told me she could tell that the pic was taken at Disneyland.  Sexy!  On the mobile app there's a feature that allows you to contact someone and tell them you are interested in something immediate, so that's what I did.  What else did I have to do that day?  Who else did I have to do that day? 

He was interested and we agreed he'd be here in an hour.  He said he had a family function that afternoon so it would be quick.  Fine by me.  The thing was, he was late because of "traffic" or something so this cut into our time together.  He arrived looking completely adorable in shorts, t-shirt, flip-flops, hat on backwards, and those damn sunglasses.  

I knew right away this was going to be quick by his hurried demeanor.  We headed straight for the bedroom where it basically turned into a blow job for him.  So far I had not observed any dominant behavior of any kind, so I left it alone.  I guess he probably thought he was being bossy when he ordered me to my knees so he could cum on me.

He left and I never heard back until about a month later when he sent me a message on the site.  I said something about how I still wasn't convinced that he was a dom and asked what he meant by that.  Well, I got my answer in a very long message describing his encounter with another woman in which he completely degraded her.  I'm talking disgusting stuff involving pee and poo and making her crawl on the floor, etc.  I won't even go into all of it, but it was clear to me that this kid had issues.  It was made even clearer when I read his updated profile in where he described being recently out of a relationship in which he was cheated on. 

Hmmm.

So after receiving that description, I had to clear up a few things for him by sending him a long list of things I will and will not do, the will-nots mostly being everything he did to that other girl.  I then proceeded to inform him that being a dom does not mean degrading women; it's actually more of a mental thing than anything else. 

He never messaged me back and I'm completely ok with the fact that he's probably out there trying to convince unsuspecting younger women that he's dominant when in fact he's just pissed off at women.

Uninhibited

If I had to think of one word to describe my encounter with this next guy it would be uninhibited.  Next in line would be spontaneous.  Two awesome ways to be, in my opinion.  I want more of these two things.  I want a lot more of many things.

The Genius.  The Scholar.  Completely fucking hot 22 year old guy going to grad school for something super-genius-scholarly.

My experience with him started with a random chat window popping up while I was on the dating website.  He was very polite, not at all crude like many of the young ones.  Don't get me wrong, I like the nasty dirty talk, but it's a bit refreshing to know that it is indeed possible to get into my pants without it.  I got the impression he wanted to meet that night but I was busy and said we should chat another time. 

The very next evening I was sitting in a bar with some friends and a message came through from the dating web site's app on my iPhone.  Wow, "another time" just got moved up!  He said he was "taking a break from work" so I pounced on that (because apparently that's what cougars do) and told him I was drinking at the bar in my building and wasn't that convenient?  He agreed that it was and I asked him to meet me there. 

Now keep in mind I was already feeling a little toasty having had two very strong drinks.  He arrived and conveniently enough, my friends had vacated the bar stool next to me so he sat down and ordered the same drink I was having.  He looked just like his pics online - cute, scruffy, tall, disheveled college student.  After a few minutes of the obligatory get-to-know-you conversation, we both realized that we needed to get upstairs as soon as possible, so he downed his drink and helped me finish mine.

I was told later by observers that we looked like we were in a big hurry as we made our way across the courtyard towards my building.  I know that I was!  The second we walked into my condo, we just fucking attacked each other!  Mad kissing and clothing removal!  Into the bedroom, onto the bed, where he promptly and enthusiastically dove downstairs.  Wow.  We were totally into each other.  You cannot manufacture that kind of chemistry.  When I was not able to finish (as is the norm when I first meet you), he said "well, I owe you two next time".  YES! 

His body was hairy but in an awesome, natural I-don't-bother-with-manscaping-because-I'm-too-busy-getting-my-PhD way.  This is what I was talking about previously; you can just be natural and normal and it's totally fucking hot.  I felt like I was in a 70s porno or something and I loved it!  He asked where I wanted him to cum and I pointed to my chest.  He was happy to oblige and promptly rub it all over me with his hand.  Wow!  Then we actually sorta cuddled and talked for a bit while I played with the hair on his chest and other places and he gently ran his hand back and forth on my arm.  It was nice! 

We agreed to do this again - though that's what everyone says but most of the time it never happens - but somehow I felt this was different.  I knew he was super busy so I decided to let him contact me when he had a break from work.  Then the other day it happened!  I noticed he had viewed my profile so I checked out his so he'd know.  Then he popped up in chat again!  I told him I really had a lot of fun with him last time because it was so spontaneous and fun and he agreed.  He wants to come back "soon" so I'm just going to let him tell me when. 

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to round two.

What's The Rush?

These next few were mostly fun, but brief.  Haha.  Everyone was from Craigslist except The DJ.  I love how totally random some of these were...I was on my way home from an eyebrow waxing appointment when The DJ sent me a message on OK Cupid.  I always perk up a little bit when I have incoming communication from hot guys.  We'd been looking at each other's profiles a few times so someone had to make the move!  He was 30 years old and just looking for something quick and immediate and naturally, so was I.  I said sure, come on over in about an hour.  He showed up and was really cute, kinda short, tattoos, just how I like em.  The downside is that he was so nervous that it was over almost before it started!  Ah well...

You're probably thinking Secretgrrrl, you like em ALL and we can't figure out your type!  Well that may be partially correct.  I like to think I'm sampling all of the varieties of men and opening my mind to all different types.  I can't stand it when women restrict themselves to a "type" that they think they should like.  Here's a newsflash for you:  I don't think Brad Pitt is all that fucking great.  Yes, he's conventionally attractive I guess, but I don't really prefer blondes and he's a little too man-pretty.  He tries to cover it up with facial hair, but it doesn't work. 

So yeah, I'm going out of my comfort zone and opening my mind to new things.  I never thought I'd like any guy who was short or skinny, but those are some of my favorite men now!

The Construction Worker.  My god he was hot.  Conventionally hot.  Ripped body, 28 years old, tan ALL over, completely hairless, big dick.  Whoa.  He came over and got the job done.  What did I learn from that experience?  Guys, please don't shave your entire body...it's a little weird.  And girls, please learn to appreciate the way our bodies naturally are; if you want completely hairless, go fuck a mannequin.  I don't wanna feel stubble on your chest; I'd rather feel your hair!  Even down there...I like it mostly all natural.  Well he was fun and another new experience, which is the whole point of this exercise!

Next we have Closeted. This 24 year old man was of mixed race and the pics he sent made him look like a little thug, which was part of the attraction.  His emails to me were full of excitement and eagerness, so I made this happen sooner than I was planning to. The man who walked into my place was the same one in the pic, but completely different!  This guy was tall, really really skinny but muscular, smelled like the cologne counter at Nordstrom, and was dressed very fashionably, complete with a designer belt.  I knew something was up when the first thing he did was compliment my hair.  He was really nervous and kept talking fast about nothing interesting, until we finally made it to the sofa.  I felt like everything he did was practiced and choreographed, like something out of a cheesy romance novel.  We finally made it to the bedroom where the cheesiness continued, until he was finished so quickly that it took me by surprise!  He made some excuse about why he had to "go down to his car" and then never came back!  For these reasons, I believe this man is gay.  I feel like I violated some code by canoodling with this guy.  I'm sorry, gays!  He's yours now!

And then there was Cali.  This guy was hot and exactly what I would traditionally call my "type".  Hot, dark hair and eyes, covered in tattoos, a bit of an attitude, hat on backwards.  Mmmmm, delicious!  He was 28 and super naughty!  We emailed and texted first and from the sound of it, we were gonna have a great time!  He seemed uninhibited and even sent me a video of himself um, jerking off "for me".  Thank you!  Yes, I was excited to meet him.  However, when he got here, again with the quick finish!  Damn, some guys are all talk. 

I'm going to end it here for now.  My next chapter might be dedicated to just one guy.  Stay tuned to find out why he deserves it!