Broken

You know, people - especially women - ask me all the time how I can just have sex with people I don't have feelings for.  Don't I have to "like" them before I do it?  Don't I start to "like" them after we do it?  How can I be like a guy and separate sex and love?

This is a silly question to me.  It's so simple but at the same time there's so much more to it. 

The simple explanation:  yes, I can have sex purely for fun and I don't have to be in love.  My question is, why can't everyone?  Why can't you allow yourselves that pleasure?

The complex explanation:  I like everyone I have sex with.  I don't want a relationship with them, but every one of them (ok, except for a few in the beginning) has qualities that I like.  Sometimes it's as simple as how completely fucking hot they are.  Sometimes they're really funny, sweet, vulnerable, eager, gentle, rough, intense, dirty, uninhibited, nice, silly...I could go on.  I can separate romantic feelings from sex but at the same time I don't think you really have to in order to enjoy a lot of sex with a lot of different people. 

I enjoy the total experience.  I love the pursuit and then the initial contact.  I love the process of exchanging email addresses and how sometimes we graduate to texting.  With some of them, there was intense emailing for up to a week or more before we even met!  More often recently I've been texting most of them.  The dynamic with each one is completely different and it's fun figuring out what makes each of them tick, what gets them off.  Some ask how my day went, some just want to know if I'm naked or not. 

Most leave when we're done, but some have stayed and talked or watched t.v. or compared Facebook pages.  Sometimes it's quick and dirty and sometimes it's not.  I like it all. 

Which brings me to Broken.  We met online on the dating website and somehow there seemed to be an immediate connection.  It was the most bizarre thing because he was only 22 and we made it immediately clear we were both looking for casual sex, but agreed it's better when there's some kind of connection.

Let me just stop for a minute because this confused even my therapist.  Secretgrrrl, you say you don't want a relationship but then you keep talking about this connection business.  Isn't that the same thing?  No it is not.  It's hard to define a connection but I can tell you I've met people with whom I've had the most intense connections but that only lasted for a short time. 

So back to my experience with Broken.  We messaged and it quickly became texting almost non-stop for two days except for sleeping.  Even then we were up pretty late.  We discussed all the things we wanted to do.  We discussed life, relationships, love, everything. 

Then it got weird.  Late on the second night of texting, he decided to reveal to me his particular kink.  Now in the interest of anonymity, I'm  not going into specifics but I'll just say that it was a little too extreme for me.  It was something you should screen for immediately upon meeting someone if you are indeed interested in pursuing this activity with them.  He chose to wait.  Immediately my heart sank.  (there I go using romantic terms again just to confuse you!)  Would he still want to meet me?  Would I be able to satisfy him without doing those things?  Why did I care so much about this?  Why didn't I just abandon ship? 

After all of that talk, I still really wanted to meet him and told him this.  He agreed and came to my place that following night.  I met him outside and we immediately started kissing.  Whoa.  Definitely something there, even if it was just intense physical attraction.  We finally made it upstairs and we just could not stop kissing!  I couldn't keep my hands off of him!  So the sex was okay, size was not impressive or even very satisfying, but there was something about this guy that drove me absolutely crazy and I felt it from him too.

So after he left and was back home, I texted him saying that I had a really good time and wanted to see him again very soon.  He enthusiastically agreed, punctuating this with exclamations after every sentence.  He said he would come over after work the following day and would text me tomorrow, adding that it was going to be hard to concentrate at work the next day.  We both agreed that waiting till then would be difficult and we couldn't stop thinking about each other. 

Great...I felt good.

Broken never texted and never came over.  I never heard from him again. 

Somehow I felt like this was some failure on my part and it took me a week or two to get over it completely.  I missed him but at the same time knew he wasn't even the best lover.  Eventually I realized that I didn't miss him, I missed that feeling of intensity that we had. 

I wish I had something to say about this, some lesson to be learned, something I could do better next time, but I really don't.  I don't regret a single moment of my 3 day "relationship" with Broken.